ahhhh. Saturday.

It was a difficult work week.  The company I work for is undergoing massive change and I've been without a job description, more or less, for 7 months.  My role in the end result changes weekly it seems and surprisingly it's been really stressful.  But it's forcing me to see just how rigid I can be.  I don't do stress well.  Is it possible to do stress well?  It must be possible to do stress well.  I fret and worry and ruminate.  When all these changes started I was told that my new role within the company could mean that I'd be able to work from home and home could be anywhere. I have a lot invested in that original conversation as we want to relocate to be closer to my family who have all moved a province over. But it seems that that's not what will ultimately happen. Or maybe it will. And the rumours are constant.  It's a huge distraction but it's one that I willingly take part in.  I don't want to but I do. Every morning I tell myself I'm not going to indulge in the rumours but I do.  And that baffles me because it's all bullshit.  It's upsetting and makes me anxious and I don't do anxious well either. 

So since I can't think my way out of this, the path I always seem to take despite rarely getting the results I'm aiming for, I'm going to behave my way out of it. "You cannot solve a problem with the same energy that created it."  Einstein, I think.  I don't know if that's accurate but I'm going to assume it is. From where I sit the only way I'll be able to behave my way out of getting all caught up in the bullshit is to maintain my focus.  I have a definite goal.  I'm the only one, in my immediate family, left in the city.  Our son is out east going to university and my niece is a couple hours away.  With R gone now I feel really alone here. I miss my mom and my sisters.  That's where my focus needs to be.  If I can take my job with me, great.  If not, I'll find another.  My focus needs to be on getting my house in order.