ahhhh. Saturday.

It was a difficult work week.  The company I work for is undergoing massive change and I've been without a job description, more or less, for 7 months.  My role in the end result changes weekly it seems and surprisingly it's been really stressful.  But it's forcing me to see just how rigid I can be.  I don't do stress well.  Is it possible to do stress well?  It must be possible to do stress well.  I fret and worry and ruminate.  When all these changes started I was told that my new role within the company could mean that I'd be able to work from home and home could be anywhere. I have a lot invested in that original conversation as we want to relocate to be closer to my family who have all moved a province over. But it seems that that's not what will ultimately happen. Or maybe it will. And the rumours are constant.  It's a huge distraction but it's one that I willingly take part in.  I don't want to but I do. Every morning I tell myself I'm not going to indulge in the rumours but I do.  And that baffles me because it's all bullshit.  It's upsetting and makes me anxious and I don't do anxious well either. 

So since I can't think my way out of this, the path I always seem to take despite rarely getting the results I'm aiming for, I'm going to behave my way out of it. "You cannot solve a problem with the same energy that created it."  Einstein, I think.  I don't know if that's accurate but I'm going to assume it is. From where I sit the only way I'll be able to behave my way out of getting all caught up in the bullshit is to maintain my focus.  I have a definite goal.  I'm the only one, in my immediate family, left in the city.  Our son is out east going to university and my niece is a couple hours away.  With R gone now I feel really alone here. I miss my mom and my sisters.  That's where my focus needs to be.  If I can take my job with me, great.  If not, I'll find another.  My focus needs to be on getting my house in order.  

And so it starts...tomorrow.

How many times have I said that to myself?  How many failed attempts?  Can I call it a failed attempt if I said tomorrow is my start date and never actually started?  For me, this journey is all about feeling better.  It's been such a tough, sad year.  R died without a will.  He was 50.  He was a single father.  His daughter was half way through her first year at university in a town a couple of hours from the city.  

Before R died, I had bursts of fitness.  At a couple of points over the years I was very fit. But I've never sustained that level of fitness for very long. I'd go full steam ahead for a couple days, a couple weeks, a couple months but always with the goal of losing weight.  What I think about now, when I think about hitting the gym again is how it made me feel.  I want that feeling again.  I need that feeling again.  I don't care about my weight, even though I'm the heaviest I've ever been.  Weird even writing that because ideally, I should be 30 (give or take) pounds lighter than I am right now.   But it's so not about that.  I want to be fit and firm because it felt great when I was there before.  I felt great when I was there before.

And let's face it, I'm 50 years old.  How many more kicks at the can will I get?  I know, fifty isn't old but I want to get seriously fit, not body builder fit but seriously fit and time is ticking. 

It's time...

If I had to use one word to describe the predominate feeling in my life right now it would be 'conflicted'.  Being hurt and angry makes every encounter a conflict of some sort.  These are my go to emotions.  I can't blame it all on grief.  I've been here before, in some way this is part of my DNA.  The grief only intensifies it all. 

I don't like where I am right now. And nothing changes if nothing changes.  I no longer want to be (or need to be) at the whim of every slight, every insane co-worker, every rude client. I no longer want to blame this hurt and anger on the twist and turns in life that don't suit me. I want to own it.  

Acceptance is the answer.  The only hurdle is self acceptance because, unfortunately or not, charity begins at home. 

I have to move forward. And I sense that self acceptance is a hugh part of any lasting progress anyone makes.  The bonus is that the journey is probably way more fun with self acceptance thrown in.  And damn I need some fun.